The struggle to just be enough.
It’s been the biggest struggle of my life.
That weird permed hair and those thick pop bottle glasses I had to wear when I was a kid. My weight. Not being allowed to do anything or go anywhere like the “cool” kids. Definitely not being a “cool” kid. Undesirable to boys. Being the only female in most of my college classes and being expected, even asked, why I didn’t just go home and be “barefoot and pregnant”. Constantly being told that I would be a better wife if I liked what other women liked and did what other women did and wore what other women wore…
But, I will never forget the day, years ago sitting in front of my computer that God laid something amazing and important and unforgettable on my heart. It has been my driving force since that day. I was going through a bad time. I felt outed at church by the women there. Women who didn’t support me in any kind of ministry and who had excluded me from opportunities to grow in ministry. One of whom took ideas and thoughts I had written and developed and presented them as her own. I had been told by the person who should have supported me the most that I didn’t deserve to be used by God in ministry anyway because I had a history and a past that wasn’t good and wasn’t worthy (which was true but we all have pasts and some of us even have currents that we just keep hidden from everybody so it doesn’t stain our perfect Christian facade). I was so frustrated, so aggravated, so hurt, and felt so worthless that I took every writing, every teaching, every sermon, every journal… every thing I had ever written and studied and every idea and thought I had… I took it all, bagged it up, put it in the trash and stood and the door and waited for the garbage men to pick it up so I could be sure it was gone out of my life. Then I went to my computer and I deleted everything I had stored on it as well as everything I had stored on my portable USB drives. I was done. D. O. N. E. Done. Writing, speaking, teaching, ministry of any type was not my calling, not my gift, and definitely not any area that God wanted me to be. I refused to let myself write or journal anymore… and I was miserable.
And, on this day, as I sat there… feeling unloved, unwanted, worthless, and unusable…
God said “Just be the you I created you to be”.
I didn’t need to try to please anybody else. I didn’t need to worry whether my hair was acceptable, I wore my makeup the right way, or whether the way I dressed was OK with anybody else. I needed to worry about my weight… but not because of what other people said, only for myself and my health. I didn’t need to worry whether anybody approved of my career choice, liked my writing style, appreciated my way of making notes and delivering them, or whether those women or any of the women I would meet in the future thought I belonged in their groups. It didn’t matter whether people found me worthy or deserving. The only thing, the only thing, that mattered was that I become the person that my Father created me to be.
He created me to be His. His daughter. His child. His minister. His servant. His beloved.
I tell myself every day… just be the you He created you to be. That’s all you ever need to be. Some days it’s still a struggle to not be enough… but I am pushing my way through that battle. You don’t need more affirmations or confirmations… you’ve got His. Take what He’s placed inside of you and just be who He made you to be! God will take you further and lift you higher than any of those haters ever will anyway.